My straight life in 11 gay chapters

Navigating a life in the closet was not my initial idea, but being straight and recently divorced, it took some time to come to terms with the fact that being “gay” was not only different but also required a major adjustment. I needed to continue being accepted by the straight world while, at the same time, learning very quickly how to be accepted by the gay community.

We are in the late 1980s. The world was full of negative stories about AIDS and HIV infections; one could hardly look past the daily headlines in the media. The “gay disease” was spreading, and it was gay people who had to take the blame at first, until research later showed that HIV affected people across both gay and straight communities.

It was not a good time to declare yourself gay, or to come out, as they called it then and still call it today.

The stigma, the preconceived image created by the media, and conservative side of society did not help. Neither did the fact that I had grown up in a religious family environment in the countryside.

One could already see the stake being prepared for the burning if the family detected that the son was gay… God forbid, the shame, the unspoken isolation that would follow from relatives and the local community. Their small minds would have been on the verge of disbelief, trying to get their heads around what “gay” or “homosexual” meant.

This was not a time when one could learn everything important on the Internet. This was a time when we learned through experience. We were years away from coming out and being gay going mainstream – not that this would have changed anything in my circumstances.

The initial feeling of euphoria and being able to be myself turned into a rude awakening, not to mention the “gay” roadblocks that I encountered – and believe me, there were many, and some of them were not very pleasant.

I have always believed that I am in charge of my own destiny, the decisions I make that will shape my life, and the people I surround myself with and call friends or simply acquaintances. Then there were the unfamiliar terms from the gay dictionary, which became part of my new life.

It took some time to get used to the new gay vocabulary and to feel comfortable using it. Some of it sounded outright rude and, in my mind, impersonal, but I realised that this was part of the world I had entered.

At the early stage, I suffered a complete culture shock, only to realise that many of the words would come up repeatedly, even in very personal conversations with men who became more than a one-night stand – people who became good friends and good listeners.

My working life at that time was strictly in the closet. I had no intention of going near the “coming out” door. There was no way I would have been able to manage the onslaught and tell my family and many friends – friends who had already taken sides once I was divorced, and who later discovered, beyond my control, that I was gay.

By then, I was in my early thirties and a frequent business traveller, crossing the globe multiple times each year and learning to enjoy my gay life away from the environment that knew me and my background.

I finally felt free, and that brings me to the gay chapters in what had, until then, been my very straight life. I felt at times I had arrived in a big candy store, with rich pickings, sweet endings, the occasional sour grape, and experiences that helped me understand the good, the bad, and the ugly side of the gay world.

These chapters are drawn from real-life experiences I was fortunate enough to have over many years, in places that challenged me, surprised me, and slowly taught me how to live more honestly.

Each chapter captures encounters, experiences, and real people I met along the way. Some passed through briefly, some left lessons behind, and some became lifelong friends through the simple comfort of shared experience.

For all the men who are still living a straight life while hiding in the closet, this book is for you. In many ways, nothing has changed since my own early days. Married men, single men, successful men, frightened men – many are still waiting for the moment when truth becomes stronger than fear.

One day, the wind may blow that door open. When it does, I hope you are ready to step through it and discover that freedom, however frightening at first, is still freedom.

The chapters that follow include great memories, unexpected lessons, awkward beginnings, generous friendships, and a good deal of humor.

I hope they become light-hearted and entertaining reading, with the occasional useful piece of advice on where to go, what to notice, and how to survive when you are still straight to the world but no longer straight to yourself.

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Follow the journey as a new chapter is added every week and see the story unfold.